I have self-diagnosed myself with Leaky Eye Syndrome.

My Leaky Eye Syndrome has delayed the publication of the “next” issue of Elements For A Healthier Life Magazine again. I need to be raw with you. I have been consumed with Hell of Unforgiveness. This episode began last Wednesday when I went to Lake Michigan to yell at God, my father (deceased) and ex-husband (deceased) for not interfering with the death of our son six weeks ago.

Intense anger of failure consumed every cell of my body as I sat on a broken piece of concrete watching the rhythmic waves of Lake Michigan crashing inches from my feet. My emotions sparked a horrific descent down the spiral staircase of self-hate for not being a better mother to my two sons. God, my father and my son’s father were left out of this intended internal conversation.

Grief is a bitch. She reminded me of ALL the things I perceive as failure. She filled my mind with doubt and misery. She stood upon her soapbox, pointing her finger down onto me and with the rage of a bull, sternly cast a single word at me with a venomous sting, “Worthless!”

I knew on Monday, May 22nd, my first born son would not be the first person to call me to wish me a happy birthday, He would not tease me about being an old woman. He would not boast about me tumbling over the hill of life because I hit another benchmark year – fifty.

“What does love want?
What did you feel when you looked into the eyes of your child for the first time …
Love is feeling that peaceful moment of connection.
Words are incapable of describing Love.
What did you feel when you looked into your own eyes for the first time …
Love is feeling that peaceful moment of connection.
What does love want?”

I’m consistently encouraged to not make any rash, big, mediocre or really any decisions because (let’s face it) I’m too emotional right now, in this early stage of grief. Evidently people regret many decisions made during emotional distress. To prevent myself from making any rash or emotional choices that may have dire consequences, I am pausing. After all, we receive what we’re aligned to.

Grief, the bitch she is, is becoming a very close friend.

Yesterday morning, lying in the darkness of predawn, ‘it’ filled my heart. Oddly, grief is helping me to, well, love myself more. It’s not about letting go of the emotions I feel for all that I have lost – the sound of my son’s voice, his embrace that I will no longer feel, the footsteps I won’t hear entering our home, the smell of cigarettes on his breath or clothing, the flavor of the meals he cooked. These are just some of the cherished pieces of my memory that I hold dear. Grief is helping me to comprehend at a deeper level that I did the best that I could with what I knew; then. Then. Not now. Hindsight provides us with insight and even answers to what we may have sought previously.

[ctt template=”3″ link=”3YXm6″ via=”yes” ]Hindsight provides us with insight and even answers to what we may have sought previously. -CK Kochis[/ctt]

It is through grief that I expose myself to once unacknowledged shadows (undesired emotions/beliefs) within. This is an important element in experiencing internal balance. It has caused me to wonder if that’s why empaths experience intense emotional swings. We are in a constant state of balancing (commonly referred to as healing) our emotions/energies/perceptions. We are in a continuous state of evolving our personal interpretation of Love.

In regards to Elements For A Healthier Life Magazine, I am exploring additional opportunities. Viewing through the eyes of hindsight. I see how fear held me back. I see how my emotional/energy alignments and personal beliefs of self have discouraged collaboration. I am only beginning to see the perceptions that only grief are bringing forth.

My young son (and his wife) have been and continue to be my rocks. Our close relationship is growing even stronger and more compassionate. Without knowing it, he is a grand teacher. I watch him and I see the lessons I have taught him about life and death, as well as the ones he has discovered through his experiences and inner wisdom.

I am very passionate in regard to the mission of Elements For A Healthier Life Magazine and all the projects stemming from it. I truly believe that they are all wrapped up in my personal purpose. I suppose that sometimes it is with grand tragedy that we see the light. I shared a glimpse of what I intend for my future to hold in The Adventure of UnBoxing. Today, I accept that although there’s a bit of ‘fog’ currently blocking my view, that it’s okay because it’s gifting me time to pause and to grieve.