Grief – That Bitch is Now a Close Friend

I have self-diagnosed myself with Leaky Eye Syndrome.

My Leaky Eye Syndrome has delayed the publication of the “next” issue of Elements For A Healthier Life Magazine again. I need to be raw with you. I have been consumed with Hell of Unforgiveness. This episode began last Wednesday when I went to Lake Michigan to yell at God, my father (deceased) and ex-husband (deceased) for not interfering with the death of our son six weeks ago.

Intense anger of failure consumed every cell of my body as I sat on a broken piece of concrete watching the rhythmic waves of Lake Michigan crashing inches from my feet. My emotions sparked a horrific descent down the spiral staircase of self-hate for not being a better mother to my two sons. God, my father and my son’s father were left out of this intended internal conversation.

Grief is a bitch. She reminded me of ALL the things I perceive as failure. She filled my mind with doubt and misery. She stood upon her soapbox, pointing her finger down onto me and with the rage of a bull, sternly cast a single word at me with a venomous sting, “Worthless!”

I knew on Monday, May 22nd, my first born son would not be the first person to call me to wish me a happy birthday, He would not tease me about being an old woman. He would not boast about me tumbling over the hill of life because I hit another benchmark year – fifty.

“What does love want?
What did you feel when you looked into the eyes of your child for the first time …
Love is feeling that peaceful moment of connection.
Words are incapable of describing Love.
What did you feel when you looked into your own eyes for the first time …
Love is feeling that peaceful moment of connection.
What does love want?”

I’m consistently encouraged to not make any rash, big, mediocre or really any decisions because (let’s face it) I’m too emotional right now, in this early stage of grief. Evidently people regret many decisions made during emotional distress. To prevent myself from making any rash or emotional choices that may have dire consequences, I am pausing. After all, we receive what we’re aligned to.

Grief, the bitch she is, is becoming a very close friend.

Yesterday morning, lying in the darkness of predawn, ‘it’ filled my heart. Oddly, grief is helping me to, well, love myself more. It’s not about letting go of the emotions I feel for all that I have lost – the sound of my son’s voice, his embrace that I will no longer feel, the footsteps I won’t hear entering our home, the smell of cigarettes on his breath or clothing, the flavor of the meals he cooked. These are just some of the cherished pieces of my memory that I hold dear. Grief is helping me to comprehend at a deeper level that I did the best that I could with what I knew; then. Then. Not now. Hindsight provides us with insight and even answers to what we may have sought previously.

It is through grief that I expose myself to once unacknowledged shadows (undesired emotions/beliefs) within. This is an important element in experiencing internal balance. It has caused me to wonder if that’s why empaths experience intense emotional swings. We are in a constant state of balancing (commonly referred to as healing) our emotions/energies/perceptions. We are in a continuous state of evolving our personal interpretation of Love.

In regards to Elements For A Healthier Life Magazine, I am exploring additional opportunities. Viewing through the eyes of hindsight. I see how fear held me back. I see how my emotional/energy alignments and personal beliefs of self have discouraged collaboration. I am only beginning to see the perceptions that only grief are bringing forth.

My young son (and his wife) have been and continue to be my rocks. Our close relationship is growing even stronger and more compassionate. Without knowing it, he is a grand teacher. I watch him and I see the lessons I have taught him about life and death, as well as the ones he has discovered through his experiences and inner wisdom.

I am very passionate in regard to the mission of Elements For A Healthier Life Magazine and all the projects stemming from it. I truly believe that they are all wrapped up in my personal purpose. I suppose that sometimes it is with grand tragedy that we see the light. I shared a glimpse of what I intend for my future to hold in The Adventure of UnBoxing. Today, I accept that although there’s a bit of ‘fog’ currently blocking my view, that it’s okay because it’s gifting me time to pause and to grieve.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedin
Facebooktwitterlinkedininstagram

8 Responses

  1. Couldn’t be better said, Cindy! You are very wise to not push yourself or make any decisions during this time. Every day will be different. Just listen to and follow your heart. hugs and kisses.

    All my heart and love,

    Ruthie

    • elementsforahealthierlife

      Thank you, Ruthie. You are an amazing friend. I appreciate all the love and support you’ve shared with me.

      Many blessings to you.

  2. I watch you going through the grief process & I’m awed by your ability to put it all into words so that your readers feel the intensity of your feelings. Your humor, sadness & damn frank honesty bring the experience to life, so that we are sitting on the shore with you. I wish I were….just to sit in silence & hold your hand. You are growing…it is painful, but it is helping you shed the layers of fear. Sending you lots of love & warm hugs.

    • elementsforahealthierlife

      Your kind words warm my heart, Tae. Each time I endure the grieving process, the lessons bring me closer to my truth. I may have lost the ability to physically touch my son, it comforts me to know he is always with me (just as your father is always with you).

      P.S. You should visit! I know you’d love the shoreline of Lake Michigan.

  3. Deadlines are human-made barriers to life, just as hanging on to a particular outcome such as “I need to get over this.” Time is an illusion. Only love is real, for yourself, especially. Love yourself through this and let the rest flow to you when it’s ready. Don’t push … receive. Allow. And remember that this beautiful community you’ve created will still be here when you’re ready. Love you to pieces, kiddo!

    • elementsforahealthierlife

      You always know what to say, Barb. You are the sweetest, kindest woman I know. I am blessed with an amazing support system. I guess we have no idea how we impact others until something “big” happens. I just wish my “big” was winning the lottery versus the loss of my son. Thank you for your unconditional love and support!

  4. Carol Kraak

    Well said, but even better, it is well “felt” by you my friend, that is obvious. Grief seems to be such a mistruth for many and you are certainly not encouraging that mistruth amongst the confusion or fog that hangs. I have also learned thru grief, that it is not a “something’ or some “place” to “get thru” but more a unique “sense” of a rather vague process that is without time and is terribly unique to each being. Grief must be acknowledged but not double fistedly hung on to. It does need to ebb and flow as it seems to grow and shrink almost simultaneously. It is so extremely unique to each and every one of us, so we can NOT EVER assume it “should be” this or that. It is always there but more a shadow one day and suddenly a dark cloud the next but as we breathe it in and breathe it out it makes a bit more sense of itself. Maybe it is such as we are shaped and changed by it which I believe we should be. We must allow it all in its most utmost raw truth maybe to fully realize this life, which is also a death in itself. So, Dear I hope these ramblings of mine do reach you and make a bit of sense even if only for a moment. I hope you continue to “RISE” and maybe spot another bit of clarity, and some comfort. Godspeed to you Dear sweet soul.

    • elementsforahealthierlife

      The mourning process for each person that physically departs from my life is uniquely different. And with each death, I learn more about the ebb and flow of life. I agree, Carol, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is what it is.

      Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom, love and support. Many blessings to you, my dear friend.

Leave a Reply