Dancing on the Ledge

I’ve stood on the very ledge my son stood upon.

Though my toes didn’t reach the edge, as his did.

 

Freewill is a bitch. Or, that’s my opinion of her right now.

The echos of my internal voice that screamed “WHY?!” from every maternal cell within my body are calmer.

Anger that I have toward my son’s father, my own father, others he proceeds and God have faded from unbearable rage to whispers of inquisitive, “Why didn’t you interfere?”

The response to and from my heart, “Freewill.”

 

I’ve stood on the very ledge my son stood upon.

Though my toes didn’t reach the edge, as his did.

However, I have looked over that ledge multiple times.

 

The Why’s loom.

I do understand and comprehend some of the answers I seek.

And yet, question many others.

A heart so deeply broken and unrepairable; even for his mechanically skilled hands.

He could fix anything else; ask the people he helped unconditionally.

He possessed the lineage of greasy hands.

He was his father’s son, my father’s grandson, and my grandfather’s great-grandson.

A genuine heart with a mechanical mind capable of fixing anything … almost anything.

 

I’ve stood on the very ledge my son stood upon.

Though my toes didn’t reach the edge, as his did.

However, I’ve looked over that ledge multiple times.

I’ve felt the kind of pain that makes you incapable of taking even one step in any direction.

 

He endured intense physical pain visible to his momma’s eyes and those who chose to witness.

He hid it well, but I saw through the illusion he cast to avoid pity.

His tender heart. Oh, that fragile heart of his.

His generous heart ached beyond his (or anyone’s) ability to heal.

I know only a portion of his story.

Yes, the Why’s will always loom.

The answers are silent.

 

I’ve stood on the very ledge my son stood upon.

Though my toes didn’t reach the edge as his did.

However, I’ve looked over that ledge multiple times.

I’ve felt the kind of pain that makes you incapable of taking even one step in any direction.

I dug a hole, erected a pole, added two signs and rested for many years at the crossroads of What The Fuck and What’s The Point.

 

Freewill is a blessing and a curse.

Life lessons appear in many forms.

We truly do not know the internal story of the individual standing before us.

Be compassionate to each soul you encounter.

Never take for granted the impact you have on others.

You cannot determine how much pain is too much for another to bare.

Our lives are interconnected; please know this.

Each of us are responsible for our choices, no matter the outcome.

It is solely our choice to live life in motion.

 

I’ve stood on the very ledge my son stood upon.

Though my toes didn’t reach the edge as his did.

However, I’ve looked over that ledge multiple times.

I’ve felt the kind of pain that makes you incapable of taking even one step in any direction.

I dug a hole, erected a pole, added two signs and rested for many years at the crossroads of What The Fuck and What’s The Point.

I’ve even danced on that ledge.

 

Dear Beautiful One.

The insight I have gained since the passing of my first born son is immeasurable and broke my heart wide open. This experience has catapulted me to understand many of my own Why’s. It has reinforced that I am on the right track with the Elements For A Healthier Life concept and mission of the magazine. My purpose is more defined, and clearer in regard to how the projects I’ve been pondering for a year all connect. It is now time to fulfill my mission to guide and offer a variety of tools to those who possess the strong desire to participate in their own life.

It is through our personal stories that we can reinforce to others that no one is alone. We are all one. Our ‘life’ experiences provide us unique tools to help guide others in transition. I realized only days ago why I sat on, what I call, the corner of What The Fuck and What’s The Point for so many years. I was in pain. I feared additional rejection. I assumed failure lurked down each path I considered so I remained still to avoid confrontation with my cruelest enemy – myself. I knew I needed to change my circumstances. The choice was up to me.

Transformation is rarely graceful. Often times it is messy – very messy. Confusion, fear, anxiety and self-sabotage can alter our personal beliefs and our ability to live life in motion. It’s easy to ask (even demand) others to tell us what to do and how to be, and to copy the actions of the individuals we feel are living the life we want. The choice is up to us.

Again, I am in transition. As Shann VanderLeek shared with me last week, “Fail fast and move on.” When she said this to me, I had been feeling for a couple of months that I had failed my subscribers, writers and myself. I’ve known deep down that creative change had to happen for Elements For A Healthier Life Magazine. But what, how, when? The why has been clear – I’m creatively blocked. I am in the process of putting into action my new choices.

As I mentioned in the first paragraph, it is time for me to fulfill my mission to guide and offer a variety of tools to those who possess the strong desire to participate in their own life. I’ve learned the vitality of going within to listen to my internal wisdom and allow my intuition to be my compass. I am actively gathering my tools to move forward with my mission to be of service to others and live life in motion.

I invite you to join the behind the scenes expansion for the Elements For A Healthier Life concept by joining my email list and Facebook group page. I will share information and ways you can participate in the Elements For A Healthier Life Magazine, UnBox Your Kitchen Newsletter, Live Life In Motion Podcasts and another project I plan to release soon.

 

I’ve stood on the very ledge my son stood upon.

Though my toes didn’t reach the edge as his did.

However, I’ve looked over that ledge multiple times.

I’ve felt the kind of pain that makes you feel incapable of taking even one step in any direction.

I dug a hole, erected a pole, added two signs and rested for many years at the crossroads of What The Fuck and What’s The Point.

I’ve even danced on that ledge.

And now I live life in motion.

 

Heartfelt hugs & Blessings to you,

C.K. Kochis

 

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4 Responses

  1. Oh, Cindy, thank you so much for this beautiful, raw writing you’ve shared! I have lifted you up in prayer every day and have so very well understood your heartache, numbness, and quest for answers. As you know, I lost my daughter ten days before her 21st b’day. What you don’t know is that five years earlier, my husband took his own life by blowing off his head, knowing it would be my oldest son to find him. Needless to say I know the dark abyss.

    But you are so right when you say your mission never becomes more clear. You know for sure what really matters and passion is felt much deeper. My heart is with you. We are in a very exclusive club few are asked to be a part of.

    So much love! xoxoxoxo

    Ruthie

  2. Natasha Botkin

    Love the rawness behind your words. I am so proud of you for writing this as you did! Yiu are amazing! Love ya, mwah! Xoxo

  3. Tae Lynne

    Cindy, this speaks volumes to so many of us stuck in that fear. Fear to fail, fear to succeed & fear to budge in ither direction. You will succeed at whatever you decide because it is in service to others. Go with your heart.

    I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. I cannot imagine the pain & grief you must feel, but know I’d be asking the same why’s. I continue to send you love & prayers. Please know I’m here at anytime to listen, cry, giggle or just sit quietly in silence. ❤️ Tae

  4. I wish my arms reached across the miles so that I could gather you up and hold you until the pain goes away and yet I know that’s not what is in your best interest. Only you know that and it would seem that you know it and see it as clear as day. Your writers and supporters are here, ready for you to point us in the direction you would have us go. Know that I go gladly, willingly, and with much, much love.

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